Friday, August 24, 2007

No blog today

maybe next time.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Missed a Day, Sue me.

So I'm not letting my missing yesterday's blog posting get me down. Anyways, here's what I was -planning- on writing....

I could very well write a post about work. About how I hate drama, and people who thrive on spreading it. I could also write about how I detest incompetence, especially when it pertains to my job. I could write about how some people, when receiving bad news, take it out of the one giving the news, not the reason for the news it.
I could write about all that.
But I won't.

Instead, I'll write about something that happened yesterday that was very good. For those who know me, or more specifically, my Father and I don't usually see eye to eye, nor do we exchange touchy feely feelings.

Yesterday, I spent some time with him, and spoke briefly about my future. That is to say, we both spoke in "Man-Code" which is making allusions and implications instead of saying it outright. While he originally kinda disagreed, I think that we eventually reached a conclusion that I have to do what I feel is right for me. I have to walk down my own path.
I think that he and I finally see eye to eye on something.

That made me feel really good.

Monday, August 20, 2007

A Blog A Day

For the sake of others, and for my own, I'm going to try to write a blog a day. I have never been very good about keeping a journal, but hopefully this will change. I just have to try to find out what to write about.

This past weekend was mostly good. I spent some good time with good friends who wouldn't let me be alone for too long at a time, else I'd start thinking about things that would hurt the mood and throw me into a depression again.

Jane and Kevin have been fantastic friends during this low point. Jane has been very good to me over the years, and it's good to have someone that cares for me so much back from her travels and local. Kevin has surprised me very much. I met him once years ago, and now that he's living in Stamford as well, he's been very good and calling me even when Jane isn't around, just to see how I'm doing. I've never been very close to guys, but Kevin is a great guy. He's someone that I can talk to, that doesn't try to throw the whole, "We're Dudes! Dude's don't have feelings! We're Butch and Spit and Fart and Belch and Check Women Out" mentality that I hate so much. They're good people, and I'm glad that I have them in my life.

I'm going to have dinner with my old friend Amy from my Umass days today. Amy's always been a sounding board for me, and me for her. She lives a few towns over, but we try to stay in touch as much as we can, even though I've been neglecting her a bit in recent months. Amy's family has been great to me as well over the years. Her mother said that anytime I would like Korean food, feel free to drop by. I wish I took more advantage of that over the years.
Hopefully, Amy and I can spend more time together, as she's been absolutely fantastic to me in the past.

Much to the dismay of my real hobbies, art and music, I've found a new one. Ladies and Gentlemen, Guitar Hero II is addictive. Those who are not READY TO ROCK need not apply.
With a great soundtrack, fun and colorful visuals, a guitar controller, dueling guitar functionality, and 'Tilt the Guitar to activate your super star rock out power' function, it's a good time for everyone. I picked it up last week, and showed it to my roommate, who immediately went out and got his own axe as well as Guitar Hero II: Rock the 80's for his daughter.

Check out this set list:

1. Opening Licks

2. Amp-Warmers

3. String-Snappers

4. Thrash and Burn 5. Return of the Shred 6. Relentless Riffs

7. Furious Fretwork

8. Face-Melters Bonus Tracks
A few songs of note are Free bird, and Trogdor, Yes, TROGDOOOOOOR by Strong Bad.

The ability for one player to play lead guitar and the other to play rhythm guitar, or one to play guitar and the other to play bass, makes for a fun time. I think the most fun that I've had was when my roommate (who's a pretty big, jacked guy), picks up the tiny guitar controller that looks like a ukelele to him, and rocks out to Mother by Danzig and sings along.
I'm waiting for Rock Band to drop in November as well though.

I don't know what the rest of my week is going to look like, but I have to keep busy. I threw on LW again last night and modeled something for my everything but forgotten story. I have to really force myself to get back into that, because as someone at the NYC Lightwave Group said, "If you don't do it, someone else will. Then where will you be?"

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Group Mentality

This is something that I should have done a long time ago. With the exception of two semesters at UMASS under questionable tutelage, I have never had any official training, or professional contacts with those in the CG industry. For a big city, Stamford, CT has a very small CG community. This, of course, has the unfortunate side effect of me pretty much being an island as far as networking goes.

This is where I get the “Duh, stupid… Look right in front of you!” award. I live about 45 minutes out of NYC, and there just happens to be a NYC Lightwave group that meets monthly. These are people who (like me,) are hobbyists, but also professionals. From what I understand, they get together, discuss what the software can do, talk about personal/professional projects and the best way to complete them, talk about news, and generally have a good time.

Like I said, this is something that I should have gotten into a long time ago. I have a hard time with motivation if something isn’t concerned with my current job. If I’m not getting paid for it, it’s hard to force myself to get into something, no matter how much I like it. Recently, everything –besides- my passions have taken the drivers seat in my life, and to be honest, I miss the things that I used to love.

I’m going today into the city to go to my first NYCLightwave user group meeting. I hope to meet a lot of like-minded individuals, make some contacts, and try to find some of that flare that used to be so at hand. I need to find it and get it back. I have to have something to strive towards and keep my mind occupied.

Here's the postcard that they sent to remind us all of the meeting.

Color me excited.

Monday, August 13, 2007

Watch That First Step

The famous lawyer Eugene Ware once said, “All glory comes from daring to begin”. Now, if Gene was alive today, I’d probably ask if I could buy him a beer and ask him what the hell I’m supposed to do next. I don’t know if it’s truly glory that I’m looking for, but I do agree that ‘daring to begin’ is the key to any success.

I’ve been stagnant, going through the motions, but not really moving for a while now. I have a path ahead of me, but taking that first step, and then the next and so on is the hard part. Now that I have the reason to move on, it’s the motivation I’m looking for. Well, that’s not entirely true, it’s the drive. The drive to get off my ass and begin. I know that it’s important, and it’s the rest of my life, and I owe it to others, and more importantly, myself to get going. That first step is always the tricky one. I have to make moves, big ones, for my personal and professional growth. I’m going to dare to begin. I just hope that the ‘glory’ is worth all the exhaustion and heartache that it’s going to take to get there.

Sunday, August 12, 2007

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Confessions of a Broken Heart

I do read it, and it does matter to me. I read it all.

What Makes Someone Brave?

I believe it's doing what you think is right, no matter how much you hate doing it. And I hate doing it...

I've been wondering over the past day-and-a-half if I'm some kind of masochist. I sit by and watch the pain that I've caused others unfold before me, reading every letter of every word of every sentence at least twice. It kills me. It kills me to think that I did this, that I made a decision that hurt someone that I care for probably more than I care for myself. Maybe that's the point of it all. I don't like it though. I don't like seeing her this way. She deserves better, she deserves all the love in the world. She deserves to be happy, and light, and love herself. Over the years, I've caused trouble and pain for someone who didn't deserve any of it. I can only blame myself for the problems that stemmed from my own faults.

I tried. I really did. I wish I was able to do more. Anything that I could do, or allow myself to do, I did, just to see a flicker of a smile on her face. Sometimes it was there, lots of times, it wasn't. If I could have collected every single tear over the past 5 years that she shed, I'd put them in a crystal vial and look at them every single day as a reminder that I screwed up. I screwed up big. I don't want to keep screwing up, but I won't forgive myself for making her cry even once. She deserved better than that, and she deserves better for herself now.

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Love at least once in your life...

... or else you'll never experience of the most fantastic things in the world.