Wednesday, October 15, 2008


I guess it's no surprise that pretty often my emotions get the better of me. The best of me, some would surely say. Well, in spite of my best efforts, I'm a pretty emotional guy. Something happens, and instantly it effects every part of my life. Sleep, how I eat, how I function at work, my ability to concentrate and rationalize are all compromised. It's interesting that I see myself this way, because someone very close to me one said that she couldn't tell what I was feeling at times. I feel like I wear my emotions on my sleeve, and that's not a very good virtue. Men are supposed to be stoic, unyielding in their resolve, yet if something hits me hard enough, I turn into a blabbering idiot, turning into a monster who says and does things that I abhor, or a gutless wretch, unable to form a single coherent sentence. 

I used to be much better about this. When I was upset, I'd just jump 
on the computer and start doing some artwork to take my mind off things. Recently, it's been increasingly hard to do so. My muse isn't there, and nothing flows. 

Seeing as art is the one productive thing that I do in my free time, i've been forcing myself to do it, and it's yielded some interesting, and unexpected results. Much art is fueled by emotion, I suppose, so it's appropriate that if it's dark in my mind, that may come out in my pieces. I'm working on a few pieces right now that make me think that, and as I look at them, I'm almost ashamed that I'm creating them. They stand for something that I don't stand for. I got to a milestone on one of them and thought, "This isn't me..." to myself. But because of the fact that it's one of the better pieces i've done, I can't bring myself to stop working on it until it's done. 

Besides there just being a lot of pills (and more to come) in the picture, there actually is a point to it. I dunno, hopefully things will make more sense, or start working out the way they should soon, because I don't want to use my only outlet to make things I'd be ashamed to show people.